cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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