apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize