you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize