Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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