Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
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Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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