So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
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His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
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Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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