1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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