just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
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i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
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all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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