i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
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the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
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I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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