i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
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You took a bar mat shot.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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