Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
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Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
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If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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