She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
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Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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