She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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