I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize