According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
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Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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