gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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