mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
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There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
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i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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