Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
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How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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