Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
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Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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