So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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