suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
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i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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