i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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