Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
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I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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