Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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