oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize