I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
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I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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