my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize