for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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