eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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