Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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