new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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