Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
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you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
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The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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