I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
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Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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