He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
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Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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