If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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