I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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