I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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