Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
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Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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