Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
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this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
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I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
God I need to hump something, right now.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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