I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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