Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
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Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
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No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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