i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
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I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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