I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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