you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
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No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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