NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
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He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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