I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
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He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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