just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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