The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
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I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
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Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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