I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize