Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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